Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Steadily Getting Worse

Every week, I relapse on another behavior. Restricting and drinking, week one. Purging and fasting forums, week two. Overexercise, week three. Bingeing and caffeine abuse, week four. Calorie counting, week five.

The only behavior left at this point is diet pill use.

My weight is 169. I'm on Christmas vacation for a week, away from my partial hospitalization program, so my ED has dedicated this week to eating as little as possible and losing as much weight as I can before I have to go back. So far today, I've had twelve calories. My rule: only eat meal-type food (not extras, like the twelve cals worth of vanilla creamer I put in my coffee this morning) when someone is eating with me. I don't trust myself to eat alone. I am not allowed to take the initiative to fix myself food. Someone else (read: my mom - it's just the two of us) needs to Officially Sanction the Mealtime, and then invite me to join it. And now that I've been through symptom interruption and have been taught the system of Exchanges, my ED shall put it into use by limiting me to five Exchanges per day.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Well, f**k.

One of the last bubbles of recovery has burst: I'm back on fasting forums.

Friday, November 23, 2012

I'm Back!

I went to residential.

Healing and measurable progress took place.

I got out.

I discovered that my house of cards was no more.

I relapsed almost immediately.

Still, I am immensely grateful for the opportunity I got and for the healing that did take place while I was there. I have only me to blame for my relapse... me, and my insurance for not letting me stay longer. I know if I could go back for longer, I'd get a sustainable period of remission.

I am in complete remission from bulimia, which is something I wanted really, really badly. But I still have an ED. When I got out, I followed my meal plan for two days, and then I stopped being able to eat at all. At Timberline Knolls, my weight was maintained perfectly. I weighed the exact same 166 when I got out as I did when I came in. They really know what they're doing there; my meal plan was perfectly calibrated. However, in the six days since discharge, I've lost five pounds.

So. We now return to your regularly scheduled eating disorder. And your regularly scheduled alcoholism, we return to that too.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Labs

I had my admission labs today. My admission weight is 166 :( So now I have to ask them to help me lose weight... I'm binge-disordered, so with symptom interruption I should lose weight anyway, so that shouldn't be too much of a problem.

My labs themselves were all stupidly, histrionically normal. Fortunately, I talked to admissions on the phone again on Saturday and got reassured that there is no possibility of my admission offer getting rescinded just because my labs say I am "too healthy." So that was a tiny bit reassuring.

Tour in two days.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

I get my admission weight tomorrow. It will not be 160. In the past four days, I've gained a pound a day through eating.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

It Hasn't Fallen Through Yet


Residential, residential, residential, residential, residential. Oh my God, residential.


It's still happening. My labs are Oct. 15.

I'm going to shoot for an admission weight of 160 lbs (BMI 22.9), and ask for help to maintain that weight through treatment. Mine is an excessive ED rather than a restrictive ED, so weight gain is as much a negative symptom for me as weight loss, and wanting to maintain at 160 lbs at 5'10" is not unreasonable at all. I'll probably even lose a little without trying because I'll be on a sane amount of solid calories with no alcohol.


(P.S. I've lost eight pounds since I decided to quit food cold turkey eighteen days ago. I've just gotta lose two more before Oct. 15 -- four and a half days from now, when I get my official admission weight -- to have that official admission weight be 160.)

Monday, October 8, 2012

Timberline Knolls


My admission date is Oct. 22.

I'm touring, with my boyfriend, Oct. 17.

I'm so excited. I've wanted this so bad, for so long. I fought for this. Oh my God, residential. The guarantee of 30+ days symptom-free, being helped and watched by professionals who know how to deal with me. I am so excited. I am so excited.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Residential treatment... around the corner?

I got drunk last night (typical) and while drunk, I called Timberline Knolls and talked to an admissions counselor. The admissions people know me there. They have a file on me, 'cause I keep trying to get in. The admissions counselor last night said she thought I'd gotten sicker and would now qualify for residential, and will call me back today. Dear goodness, I hope I get in.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Oh dearie me. My forearms are retaining fluid... and I find this hilarious.

New Rule

My decision to quit food cold turkey... actually stuck. At least this far. I have a new rule in effect, since yesterday, and it feels sturdy as reinforced concrete so far: I am not allowed to eat in the apartment, or eat food that came out of the apartment. Basically I can't make any more food disappear from the apartment kitchen, so the roommates will stop noticing my eating and stop confronting me about it. (Liquids are still okay. I can still make coffee, Crystal Light, homemade lemonade, etc.)

There is... I think tomato residue?... all over my keyboard, dried, stubborn, gross.


I've had 80 calories so far today, just to settle my meds in my stomach, and my only (non-vodka) calories yesterday were a couple of green apple slices and a cup of sauteed red cabbage offered to me for dinner by my dance partner at his apartment. (I explained to him what kind of mode I was in and why, and he understood well enough not to push me too hard. He's truly an angel for getting me to eat the apple slices and cabbage, and I told him so. I'm healthy and happy whenever I'm around him, he's such a good influence.)


Operation Look As Helpless As I Am, So Everyone Figures Out That It's No Use Reasoning With Me (abbreviated Operation LAHAIASEFOTINURWM) is coming along nicely.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

It Begins

I live in Chicago, and have for thirty-two days. Over the course of this time, my new roommates have determined:

1) I am an alcoholic.
2) I am unreliable.
3) I have no cause whatsoever to be so stubborn, irrational, and irresponsible about food, and should just take their advice, eat healthy, and get the f*** over myself.
[3.1) And in order to prove that it is no use reasoning with me over food, and that I actually have an eating disorder rather than an annoying case of hysteric narcissism, I must quit food cold turkey, IMMEDIATELY.]

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Hello World

Greetings.

Allow me to introduce myself.

I am addicted to everything. Introduce me to any substance or behavior, and I will find a way to abuse it.

I am trying to trade my addictions to food, alcohol, self-pity, flash games, and general blobbishness for addictions to health, prayer, fasting, productivity, and Jesus.

I am not sick enough for insurance to pay for treatment. Hence, I need to get worse before I can get better. 

I will use this blog to record my process of either getting worse or failing to get worse.