I hate being an alcoholic.
The morning after a night of drinking, I never get hangovers, but I do feel intensely toxic. Spiritually, emotionally, physically toxic. I am aware that I have poisoned myself, and that I may soon be guilty of self-manslaughter. In which case I will die with no dignity. Currently, carrying this toxicity around, I live with no dignity.
After a powerfully deterring night in the hospital, I can never drink on an empty stomach. So here I sit in my apartment, paralyzed by fear. Every time I think, "I can/could/should/would like to eat something," I remember that eating will open the door to drinking. If I've eaten, it will be safe to drink so I will drink. The most surefire, effective way to ensure I don't drink is to not eat either.
I have consumed 157 calories today, in spinach and breath mints, because I am so scared to eat any more. I am terrified of having a meal too close to normal size, because what usually comes after that is so undesirable.
I discharged from the CEDC (I'd stepped down from partial to IOP, but I was still having supervised dinners on weeknights) a few days ago, so I can do this now.
This is Day One of sobriety.
