tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21067155524564919662024-02-08T05:39:34.527-08:00Addicted No MoreAddicthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06404289996748000352noreply@blogger.comBlogger51125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106715552456491966.post-50719022750989848362015-11-06T15:30:00.001-08:002015-11-06T15:30:09.969-08:00The View From the Bottom of the StairsA mental disability stigma rant. Unedited because I was too pissed off about its contents.<br /><br />
<br /><br />
<br /><br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="344" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/CfMZ0pIYA18" width="459"></iframe>Addicthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06404289996748000352noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106715552456491966.post-41442293837639163812014-05-23T03:23:00.004-07:002014-05-23T03:25:46.777-07:00155 in Five Days: Day 4I haven't weighed myself, but I'm probably going to succeed at this, because I can't eat anymore. I just had my last piece of food ever, which was a cucumber slice. Now I am drinking lemon water and unfortunately I will need to have a sip of vodka to ease the alcohol withdrawal. I will probably still run because I love running, but I won't gain any fitness from it because I will not be taking in any fuel.<br />
<br />
Dr. Ana says... "skeletons in coffins don't ever drink again!"Addicthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06404289996748000352noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106715552456491966.post-55769428276715534232014-05-20T14:44:00.001-07:002014-05-23T03:25:17.699-07:00155 in FIVE DAYS: Day 1For the next five days, I am going to take a break from focusing on ANYTHING else, and dedicate myself completely to attaining 155.0 lbs. Very minimal computer use, lots of reading, at least ten miles of running a day, fiber, fiber, more fiber, filling up on water and greens and chewing gum and staying out of the house so I can't eat. <i>Single. Minded. Dedication.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
It's 5:43 in the evening, and I've already eaten dinner, but I'm not starting tomorrow. I'm starting <i>now.</i>Addicthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06404289996748000352noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106715552456491966.post-78207777176406074482014-04-08T08:53:00.001-07:002014-05-23T03:24:40.451-07:00Weight loss, group fitness, and other thingsTwo days ago, I took the test for my group fitness certification. I don't know whether I passed or failed but I know I did better than I expected, and I'm happy with my performance. The standards for passing are super high, so knowing I did well doesn't necessarily mean I passed.<br />
<br />
I graduated from day treatment a week ago and have moved to Continuing Care, which is a step from 20 hours of treatment a week down to only two hours a week. I've been using some of this new spare time on running even more than I already was. The fact that I got a new running toy on Friday -- a Nathan Firecatcher hydration vest -- also helps :)<br />
<br />
The scale has been rewarding me for all that extra running, and I am now 162.0 lbs. I'm going to walk to treatment today in order to burn even more calories. I want to be under 160 by April 20 and under 158 by April 30, and then under 156 by May 10, etc. two lbs every ten days. And I can do it.Addicthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06404289996748000352noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106715552456491966.post-37069136555383565952014-03-28T16:52:00.001-07:002014-03-28T16:52:48.192-07:00I have a new girlfriend!Yep. What the title says. It was completely unexpected and I wasn't looking at all, but a beautiful woman leapt into my heart through my eyes and my skin and I fell for her, <i>hard</i>.<br />
<br />
This is apropos of nothing, other than, I suppose: be sober + be body-confident + be clear-headed + be awake + be able to actually leave my room and go out and socialize + don't be a flaky asshole = hit the happiness jackpot, sometimes.<br />
<br />
I successfully applied for Medicaid and have filled out my FAFSA, and am adopting a dog very soon and getting my Basic Group Fitness certification even sooner. So big adulty things like getting my own health insurance, going back to school, becoming more employable, and willingly taking on responsibilities are happening with a lot greater ease than I ever imagined.<br />
<br />
My mental health is excellent right now. And hopefully it is not done getting better.Addicthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06404289996748000352noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106715552456491966.post-3403198856740549792014-03-11T13:56:00.001-07:002014-03-11T13:56:34.294-07:0030 Days of Thin: Day Two<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 16.799999237060547px;">Too lazy to type out exactly everything I ate today. A summary: almond milk, a veggie wrap, greek yogurt, strawberries, nuts. </span><br style="line-height: 16.799999237060547px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><span style="line-height: 16.799999237060547px;">Total: 956 calories.</span><br style="line-height: 16.799999237060547px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><br style="line-height: 16.799999237060547px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><span style="line-height: 16.799999237060547px;">Question: </span><span style="line-height: 16.799999237060547px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="color: #cc0000;">How tall are you? Do you like your height?</span></span></span></span><br style="background-color: #313131; color: white; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 16.799999237060547px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 16.799999237060547px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I'm 5'10", and I don't like it very much. On one hand, it helps me look strong and athletic, but on the other hand, it decimated my competitive dance career, made me a target for bullying in school, and is a factor in making me look intimidating to some, rather than looking as submissive and harmless as I am.</span></span>Addicthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06404289996748000352noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106715552456491966.post-37766529106919286432014-03-10T21:24:00.003-07:002014-03-10T21:24:52.098-07:00To T or not to T?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/oB4O46fvDBk?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<br />Addicthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06404289996748000352noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106715552456491966.post-51608631102161776322014-03-10T16:10:00.001-07:002014-03-10T16:11:15.739-07:00Playing With Your Food For Grown-Ups(I'm partially x-posting from my MPP in PS, so for any PSers reading this, sorry for the redundancy!)<br />
<br />
I relapsed again a few days ago, and decided to give habit-switching another shot. Instead of getting high on alcohol, I am going to get high on calorie restriction. Does this mean my ED is back? Well, as long as I stay in the driver's seat, the answer is NO. I'm just having a bit of sober fun.<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="postbody signature" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 1.4em; margin: 5px 0px 3px; orphans: auto; overflow: auto; padding: 0px; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"></span></span><br />
<div class="postbody" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 1.4em; margin: 3px 0px; orphans: auto; overflow: auto; padding: 0px; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I found an old tag called "30 days of thin," and I'm going to give it a go. It started off as a 'healthy weight loss' tag but of course it got co-opted and corrupted. The idea is to answer one trigger question per day for thirty days. The first and last questions are "what are your stats?" and "what are your stats <span style="font-style: italic; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">now</span>?" so it's meant to be done as a companion to a pro-ana diet, in which hopefully you'd lose some weight in the thirty days and have success to report at the end. I'm not going to follow a particular diet, but I'm just going to keep my calories under 1000 per day.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />So, Day One:<br />30 - the almond milk in my coffee throughout the course of the day<br />60 - six almonds<br />72 - apple<br />448 - eight shrimp gyoza<br />60 - sesame oil<br />15 - low sodium soy sauce</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">60 - honey in my tea<br />Total: 745</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><span style="color: #cc0000;">Questi</span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: #cc0000;">on: </span><span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="color: #cc0000;">what are your stats?</span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Height: 5'10"</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">HW: 170 (BMI 24.4)<br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />LW: 138.5 (BMI 19.9)<br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />CW: 164.6 (BMI 23.6)<br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />...and I don't have any other stats 'cause I don't take measurements.</span></div>
<div class="postbody" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 1.4em; margin: 3px 0px; orphans: auto; overflow: auto; padding: 0px; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="postbody" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 1.4em; margin: 3px 0px; orphans: auto; overflow: auto; padding: 0px; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Within the first ten days, I am going to get under 161 lbs. That's "GW1", if you like.</span></div>
Addicthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06404289996748000352noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106715552456491966.post-48886617322550735052014-02-26T18:35:00.001-08:002014-02-26T18:56:45.290-08:00Antabuse (Subtitled: Is My Liver Mad At Me?)I started Antabuse over the weekend.<br />
<br />
Antabuse reacts with any alcohol that enters your system, making you extremely sick. Among other things, it removes the possibility of even <i>keeping down</i> any alcohol, which means I literally cannot drink. If have even an ounce of vodka (or beer or wine or mouthwash or cough syrup or...), I will just throw it back up. It's enforced sobriety.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately, I'm experiencing appetite loss as a side effect. This is not a common, or even occasional, side effect - it's one of the contact-your-doctor-immediately side effects, because it could mean my liver is failing. My liver, despite what I've put it through, is extremely healthy -- the last time I got a liver panel done, three weeks ago, all of my numbers were excellent. But I am now on five daily meds, and that might be a little much. I'm going to ask for another liver panel the next time I see one of the doctors at the treatment center.<br />
<br />
Stay tuned; sometime later in the week I'll be publishing a long post about the difficult decision of whether or not to start biologically transitioning. The pros! The cons! The bewbz! The wtfs?!?<br />
<br />
(P.S. I have a bottle of seltzer here in my bed with me, and I keep seeing it out of the corner of my eye and <i>panicking</i>! My subconscious jumps to the conclusion that it's my usual bed-companion, a bottle of <i>vodka</i>, before I can consciously step in and correct it. Wow.)Addicthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06404289996748000352noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106715552456491966.post-69334045848512478492014-02-22T20:19:00.001-08:002014-02-22T20:20:25.650-08:00A ReturnTreatment worked.<br />
<br />
That's the two-word summary of my experience on the psych ward. I ended up going to Suburban Hospital, not PIW. I got Wellbutrin (a dopaminergic antidepressant often combined with other antidepressants in order to make them work better) and Baclofen (a muscle relaxer, because I needed one) added to my meds, and both are working wonderfully. The Wellbutrin, in particular, has completely changed my life. That is not an exaggeration. Each day is an adventure, as I am relearning what my capabilities and limits are from scratch. The subconscious dismissal "that's a thing I can't do" honed over eight years of mental disability gives way to the conscious "I couldn't do that before, but let's just try it because I might be able to do it now." This is still a learning process, of course - even though I <i>can</i> do certain things now, doing them often fails to occur to me because I am so used to being unable to. But here is a list of things I have done since getting on Wellbutrin, that had been difficult-to-impossible before:<br />
<br />
1) Showering all by myself, without even having to be told to.<br />
2) <b><span style="color: purple;">Washing dishes.</span></b> And not just a couple dishes here or there - entire sinkfuls at a time. (This is HUGE!!!!!)<br />
3) Signed up for a class to get my Group Fitness Instructor certification, so I can have a marketable skill with which to eventually enter the workforce.<br />
3.5) Actually had the confidence to believe I could handle obtaining and holding a job! Couldn't handle either of these things before, that's for sure.<br />
4) Started filling out several applications - and finished a couple! (To adopt a dog, to get said dog certified as my ESA, to get myself inside the tangle of red tape around needing, acquiring, and owning a service dog, and to <span style="color: purple;"><b><i>go back to school for my MA in Education!</i></b></span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span>
Exciting, exciting. But there are still things I haven't yet worked up the courage to attempt, including the extremely important matter of <b style="color: red;">checking my email</b>, and the slightly less important matters of figuring out Amazon Payments so that I can retrieve the money currently trapped in my account, finishing the KickStarter campaign for publishing <i>Freight Special</i>, and doing any work at all on my two novels, <i>The Life Mechanic </i>and <i>Care</i>. Oh, and I also haven't been able to quit drinking, though I am making progress on that front. I'm going to 3-4 AA meetings a week now and have developed a group of sober friends, and my lapses are now actual lapses, rather than several-month-long continuous binges punctuated by single days of sobriety.<br />
<br />
As far as my diet... I expected anorexia or bulimia to automatically swoop in to replace the drinking, because I always need to be doing <i>some</i>thing addictive and self-destructive... but that hasn't happened. I am still constantly making <i>plans</i> to starve myself, of course, but in practice I am eating normally and maintaining my weight.<br />
<br />
So on all fronts, my mental health is currently <i>better than it has ever been in my life</i>, even better than it was when I was a kid (because back then, even though I was much more functional than I am now, I was also much more suicidal, and I had an active eating disorder too.)<br />
<br />
And guess what -- I still bore the hell out of myself. My life is still bland, pathetic, and mostly confined to a single room. And now I am more bored than ever, because I don't have nearly as much screwed-upness consuming me (not that I'm complaining about that!) For now, "healthy" seems to be just "lack of unhealthy." And for me, "lack of unhealthy" is essentially lack of anything at all. But if the Wellbutrin keeps working, then that will change, eventually, as I welcome little productive bits back into my identity and build a self of which, someday far in the future, I can be unashamed. Maybe even proud.Addicthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06404289996748000352noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106715552456491966.post-87653847884426140582014-01-30T14:41:00.000-08:002014-01-30T14:41:55.162-08:00The BinTomorrow, I will be going inpatient at the Psychiatric Institute of Washington. My depression is more severe than it has ever been, even worse than that first episode in high school. I had been doing a trial of TMS (transcranial magnetic neurostimulation) for treatment-resistant depression at Butler Hospital in Providence, RI, but I got dismissed from the study for being too unstable and declining too rapidly. The head doctor urged me to walk into the nearest ER right then and there, but I chose to travel to Maryland so that my mother could take me to a hospital down there. I need to be parented more intensively than anyone in Boston can or should parent me. So I'm on an Amtrak train right now, on my way south.Addicthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06404289996748000352noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106715552456491966.post-43219172818125221282013-11-21T06:51:00.001-08:002013-11-21T06:51:41.319-08:00The Hustle Diaries: LaurelsI didn't do anything else yesterday. I had a single productive hour, and that was it. Well, I did laundry and made a Crazy Addict video, but I didn't do anything else towards the end of earning money.<br />
<br />
This morning I went to the gym for an hour and a half to do the treadmill, the bike, and weights, and I listened to one of my running podcasts. They almost always interview elite runners and it gets me wishing I had more dedication, so I could <i>actually do</i> speedwork instead of avoiding it because it's not fun. Then I could get fast and actually start placing in my age group and before I knew it my marathon time would be literally cut in half and I'd be an elite runner too. And then I'd have sponsors so I wouldn't have to run in the same pair of shoes for two years, I'd be able to replace them every 400-500 miles like you're supposed to. It would be really, really weird for my feet, always running in new-feeling shoes. But on the downside, even though all my races would be paid for, I would only be able to enter a maximum of four per year because I'd have to do so much recovery, I'd be running so fast.<br />
<br />
My real love is running far, not fast, but it's harder to find sponsors when you're not "winning" anything, you're just going out one day and running 100 miles in one shot because you're nuts. And in this running daydream I need sponsors. It's silly how much I love the idea of running marathons and ultras. Lots of them. Back to back to back to back.<br />
<br />
I think, actually, that I need to stop talking about it and start doing it. Every running coach in the world advises never to run the marathon distance in the course of your training, because strain overexertion injury blah blah blah. But your body can totally handle the marathon distance at an actual race, so what's the difference, really, between 26.2 miles that you paid to run and 26.2 miles that you didn't? Besides, a fair number of people (about a thousand, most in the United States) have had race seasons of running a marathon (or two!) every single weekend; that's how there exist people who have run over 500 marathons - even over 1,000 - in their lifetimes. So I am going to start a tradition this Sunday: the tradition of running 26.2 miles once a week for the rest of my life. That'll be pretty darn awesome. Excuse me, I've got some routes to plan.<br />
<br />
(Sorry, this was supposed to be about hustling. I haven't done any more hustling. I have nothing to report.)Addicthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06404289996748000352noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106715552456491966.post-64147490801261808502013-11-20T05:54:00.000-08:002013-11-20T05:54:51.259-08:00The Hustle Diaries: Photos and coffeeI applied for two jobs today - another modeling job, and Dunkin' Donuts. Confession: even though it pays most of my bills these days, modeling is perhaps the only job in the world that I don't enjoy. I never thought I could dislike working and feeling like I'm doing something, but I guess with modeling I don't feel like I'm doing anything. I'm not being a "productive member of society," even though I am earning money. It is really hard work, let's just make that clear - it is <i>not</i> easy to hold an uncomfortable pose or to dissociate from my body, step outside and use it like an inanimate hunk of clay without feelings of comfort or safety or lack thereof associated with any particular body part or position - and for what? A few pictures. Did I mention modeling's hard?<br />
<br />
I also need to contact an ADD study sometime today, and I need to answer a five-day-old email from a prospective dance client. He's probably assumed I'm not interested and hired someone else by now. I don't know why the emails that should be the most exciting to open are the hardest and scariest to open. I need to make at least $113 by tomorrow night, a collection agency called me yesterday, and this email's just sitting there in my inbox, and what if the event he needed me for has already passed, I wouldn't even know it. The best explanation is that my depression is a jealous lover who wants me to spend all my time with him, so he does everything he can to keep me away from opportunities for happiness or success. The things I least feel like doing at any given moment are precisely the things that I know would make me happy if I did them.<br />
<br />
Anyways, hopefully "The Hustle Diaries" won't go the way of the "Commitment" series. I've been dealing with wicked hypersomnia lately and have fallen off the hustle wagon, so I need some accountability to get back on, and be productive with my days once more. Yesterday all I did was lie in bed, drink, and play flash games. That is literally ALL I did. I was supposed to lead a write-in and I didn't go. I missed my own write-in, an event that would have made me feel great because I would have written and socialized and <i>gone outside</i>, in favor of staying in bed and being a blob. Hopefully just opening my Blogger dashboard and wanting to have something to report will lead me to get things done.<br />
<br />
I'm on the train to work now - more modeling - but I hope to update tonight on how many more job applications I fill out on the train ride home, and how I come up with that $113.Addicthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06404289996748000352noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106715552456491966.post-27456811245979533202013-11-06T05:44:00.001-08:002013-11-06T05:44:46.329-08:00Re-Commitment: TwoIt's day two, and I'm nineteen and a half hours into liquitarianism. I've been watching a lot of videos on breatharianism and looking at conference transcripts, and although I think the insanely concentrated quantity of New-Ageiness is very silly indeed, I do hope to transition to a point where I do not need food at all. Period. For the rest of my life. The way I see it, through my addict eyes, food is just another psychoactive substance I've become physiologically dependent on. It's a drug habit.<br />
<br />
Coffee and tea, on the other hand -- those are habits I will never give up.Addicthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06404289996748000352noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106715552456491966.post-90065953340424869982013-11-05T10:29:00.000-08:002013-11-05T10:29:03.880-08:00More commitmentI need to renew my commitment to blog at least once every eight hours. It helped. If I can get into the habit, then I can renew my motivation to follow through with my plan of self-improvement through abstinence from food and alcohol.<br />
<br />
So the plan is liquitarian. If I am hungry, I will respond to the hunger with:<br />
-water<br />
-coffee<br />
-diet soda<br />
-sf lemonade<br />
-miso soup<br />
-tea<br />
-beer or vodka if it's available, but I'm flat broke and will run out of vodka today and beer tomorrow.<br />
<br />
The important part is NO SOLID FOOD. I need to learn to respond to hunger with liquids rather than solids. I know people do it. I know it works if you're committed enough.<br />
<br />
It's down to the wire.Addicthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06404289996748000352noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106715552456491966.post-43619128642948781832013-10-24T09:25:00.001-07:002013-10-24T09:25:32.878-07:00MarathonI ran my marathon. Got my finisher's medal.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately, I don't feel any different. I'm not having any sudden, "Wow, if I can run 26.2 miles, I must be able to change my life!" moments.<br />
<br />
Now I've just started a different marathon. A penance marathon. No solid food allowed, ever again.Addicthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06404289996748000352noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106715552456491966.post-59853228837044071882013-10-10T08:35:00.000-07:002013-10-10T08:35:18.955-07:00Commitment: 4I woke up early and went for an incredible long run this morning along the Charles in the cold New England fall weather, leaves turning colors and covering the ground in a rich carpet of gold. It was right at that temperature where I had the sleeves of my Patriots hoodie rolled three-quarters of the way up my arms but still had my hood on and tied tightly. I looked a bit ridiculous, but what could I do? If I'd taken the hoodie off, my run would've been over in seconds!<br />
<br />
I subscribed to a great new podcast and listened to one and a half episodes over the course of my run (they're 40-49 minute long episodes). It's called "Marathon Training Academy." I may or may not have mentioned it here, but I'm training for a marathon myself. It's the Bay State Marathon, and it's in ten days. I'm underprepared physically and even less prepared mentally.<br />
<br />
Since it was a long run (for non-running readers, a "long run" is typically defined as over six miles), I had to have a recovery snack, so I had a string cheese stick and a low-cal granola bar. Then an hour later I heated up a hunk of Ukrainian bread and ate it dipped in tomato sauce. So far today that's 70 + 90 + 240 + 65 = 465 solid calories, plus... y'know... vodka. Oh, and I had almond milk in my pre-run coffee, so that's another 30, for a total of 495. The next time I eat will hopefully be 5:00 p.m., when I will have an early dinner of a can of tuna and some steamed spinach before I go see <i>Machete Kills</i> with my boyfriend. (I'm reluctant. He's insistent. I hate movies, especially in theaters. Sitting still for that long is not my cup of tea!)Addicthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06404289996748000352noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106715552456491966.post-43899699938329273412013-10-09T14:45:00.000-07:002013-10-09T14:45:03.366-07:00(Lack of) Commitment: 3.I am so bad at this. At least it's got me updating more frequently, like every day for the past three days.<br />
<br />
It is 5:45 p.m.; I've had 1264 calories and done my usual walking-about. Yes, I've been drinking, but actually not that much today. Only four ounces of vodka and one 12 oz. beer so far.<br />
<br />
I've been in bed since noon, but hopefully I can rally to go clubbing tonight. I need to get some music pumping through my adipose. Get those jiggly lipids dancing!Addicthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06404289996748000352noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106715552456491966.post-19441704651851129262013-10-08T09:53:00.000-07:002013-10-08T09:53:50.226-07:00Commitment: 2I missed the 7:30 mark. Oh well. In the spirit of not vanquishing all-or-nothing thinking, I haven't failed yet!<br />
<br />
So far today I ran three miles and consumed a protein shake (almond milk, vanilla protein powder, coffee), three bites of Ukrainian bread, and three ounces of vodka mixed with Diet Coke. It is 12:50 p.m., so my next update will be at or before 8:50 p.m. It will definitely be before, more like 5:00 p.m., because I am busy from 6 to 11 tonight.<br />
<br />
My goals for until then are to write Chapter Five of <i>Care </i>and to check my KickStarter and my email. Let's see if I accomplish them.Addicthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06404289996748000352noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106715552456491966.post-13669793915779742002013-10-07T20:30:00.001-07:002013-10-07T20:32:53.253-07:00Commitment: 1Well, it's 11:30. That means that my next post must occur by 7:30 a.m. tomorrow morning. I have had two more ounces of vodka, half a cup more of egg fried rice, and am now making a serving of whole wheat pasta to have with cheese and tomato sauce because I'm morbidly obese. Awareness might not work its magic right away, but I know it will eventually if I stick with it long enough.Addicthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06404289996748000352noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106715552456491966.post-27412355774726470132013-10-07T18:16:00.000-07:002013-10-07T18:16:07.739-07:00A Simple Commitment. I am going to commit to nothing more than to post here every eight hours. No exceptions, no excuses. Hopefully everything else follows from that. It's long past time I learned some discipline.<br />
<br />
Next time I post here will be 5:15 a.m, if not sooner. Probably sooner, because I might not wake up that early. The rule is that eight hours is the maximum amount of time allowed to pass between blog posts. There is no minimum.Addicthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06404289996748000352noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106715552456491966.post-33106884104414352022013-09-30T11:05:00.004-07:002013-09-30T11:06:41.629-07:00IntakeToday<br />
1 c pasta (210) with 1/4 c cheesy tomato sauce (160) and six zucchini slices (12)<br />
1 tbsp peanut butter (95)<br />
1/4 c walnuts (200)<br />
two homemade sf lemonades (16)<br />
the obligatory vodka (400)<br />
carrot (35)<br />
fat free mocha (45)<br />
Total: 1173<br />
<br />
I'm happy about this 'cause it's under 1200. It's a pretty high-fat, low-vegetable day though... I definitely didn't need both the peanut butter and the walnuts; I could've replaced either with a tin of tuna and it would have been lower cal, higher protein and more satisfying.<br />
<br />
I weighed 163.0 this morning. I am going to weigh 153 by the end of October, you just watch.Addicthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06404289996748000352noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106715552456491966.post-80708960351302526682013-09-10T09:07:00.001-07:002013-09-10T09:07:40.699-07:00ModerationI haven't posted about the alcoholism in a while. There's a reason for this.<br />
<br />
I've managed to fill my life with enough positive activities in the last few months that my alcohol consumption has been cut in half. Like, in actual half. I measured and recorded.<br />
<br />
I'm okay with my drinking now. I'm less desperate to quit cold turkey now that I'm drinking in a less self-destructive way. I'd like to continue cutting back though -- I'd like my average pace (as far as how many days it takes to finish a handle of vodka) to return to what it was two years ago, which was fourteen days. I think that's the milestone at which I'll consider myself recovered.Addicthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06404289996748000352noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106715552456491966.post-18610332813434346902013-09-10T08:40:00.002-07:002014-02-26T18:40:47.336-08:00CCCE/Other ManI am pathetic. It's not an opinion, it's a fact. Apart from any subjective connotations the word has picked up, lexicographically it just means "full of pathos." I don't have a stupidridiculous amount of pathos, but I definitely have more than I'd like.<br />
<br />
Especially when it comes to men. My sexuality is weird; I don't bother with any labels more specific than "queer" because no label more specific than that applies to me. I am <i>physically </i>attracted to women, but <i>romantically </i>attracted to men. That's why I can sleep with all the ladies I want and never have the problem of getting emotionally attached. (Makes me sound like a womanizer... I guess I am one <_<) But I am constantly falling for guys, thinking about them too much, obsessing, worrying I've done or said something wrong. Trying to prevent doing or saying something wrong. Trying to avoid racking up resentment, so a lovely gentleman who'd make a wonderful friend suddenly wonders why I'm giving him the silent treatment, avoiding his eyes, trying to prove that I'm not needy or clingy but am strong and independent and not really hanging on his every breath.<br />
<br />
Dear God I hope he dances with me tomorrow night. It's far more likely than starving for long enough to forget about him until one of us dies.Addicthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06404289996748000352noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106715552456491966.post-24755730279438844222013-09-01T07:45:00.001-07:002013-10-07T18:16:35.853-07:00AntidepressantsWow, I keep having these long hiatuses, cheating on this blog with other blogs, vlogs, forums, and projects. That's the Internet for you!<br />
<br />
I'm mostly active on The Crazy Addict, which is in <a href="https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLBE42E6peMC9hht_2dte4SsQd5D7Zb2OG&feature=mh_lolz">Season Two</a> now, and my Wordpress, <a href="http://17seventeen17eight.wordpress.com/">17seventeen17eight</a>.<br />
<br />
...now for the updates on my life!<br />
<br />
I am still basically over Other Man.<br />
<br />
I discovered www.superbetter.com, and am now playing it every day. (There's a <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zaMS7xmN-4A&list=PLBE42E6peMC9hht_2dte4SsQd5D7Zb2OG">Crazy Addict video </a>about this.)<br />
<br />
I am back in Boston.<br />
<br />
And I have gone off my antidepressants. I forgot to go to a psychiatrist appointment, and whenever I either do that or arrive so late that the psychiatrist doesn't see me, I don't get more refills and my prescription runs out. This has been my general pattern with my antidepressants ever since I started taking them -- I will get forced to start with a new psychiatrist by someone with the authority to do that, I will go through the several-month ordeal of finding a psychiatrist who has an opening any time this year, and is willing to actually work with me (very few mental health professionals feel comfortable taking me as a patient - actually, none of them do, even the ones who eventually do take me - because my case is severe enough that I'm a liability and "beyond their expertise" and "outside their specialty" et cetera et cetera)... I will FINALLY get an appointment, I may or may not go to it but I make new ones until I finally go to one, I will get a few refills' worth of antidepressants so I'll be able to take them for 2-4 months in a row, then I'll miss the appointment to get more refills written for me, and I won't make another appointment because my track record with going to appointments is so bad that I figure, what's the point in making another appointment, I won't go to it either, so I fall off the face of the earth until I get another treatment team and they force me to go find another psychiatrist. My latest psychiatrist actually switched me to an antidepressant with a much shorter withdrawal phase in order to help me have a much easier withdrawal the next time I missed an appointment, because he knew it was going to happen and that's the best he could do for me.<br />
<br />
When I was new to the cycle, I tried to argue that surely psychiatrists see patients all the time who chronically miss appointments because <i>they're mentally ill</i>, so they must have some sort of strategy for dealing with these patients. The response: "All of my other patients are mentally ill, but they still care enough to make the effort to keep their appointments. If you can't do that, you should be in a residential treatment setting." All my treatment team members say this, actually, it's the Medical Consensus about me. And <b>I completely agree!</b> But there is no "getting better" from dysthymia - you're born with it; you die with it - so I'd be in that residential treatment setting for life. I'm all for this because <b>it is what I need</b> and I have no business trying to live on the outside, but any non-medical-professional people in my life will hold out hope forever that I'll get better someday because that's how silly sentimental humans work, and fight tooth and nail against "giving up" and putting me in an asylum or a hospice. Plus there's insurance to think of.<br />
<br />
My boyfriend tries to act as a live-in caregiver, but my own shame gets in the way a lot. He only helps me when I ask him for help. And asking for help is really not a thing I'm good at. I was way too ashamed tell him about the missed appointment. When he asked recently if I'd been taking my antidepressants, I lied and said yes. I pretend I have no idea why I became an anhedonic vegetable practically overnight.<br />
<br />
On the bright-ish side, going off my antidepressants has been helping me lose weight. All the memories of my vast catalog of failures gained valence and clarity and now I need to kill them, in the most passive way I can -- by wasting away. Can't have memories if my body is eating its own myelin.Addicthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06404289996748000352noreply@blogger.com0