The Hustle Diaries: Photos and coffee

I applied for two jobs today - another modeling job, and Dunkin' Donuts. Confession: even though it pays most of my bills these days, modeling is perhaps the only job in the world that I don't enjoy. I never thought I could dislike working and feeling like I'm doing something, but I guess with modeling I don't feel like I'm doing anything. I'm not being a "productive member of society," even though I am earning money. It is really hard work, let's just make that clear - it is not easy to hold an uncomfortable pose or to dissociate from my body, step outside and use it like an inanimate hunk of clay without feelings of comfort or safety or lack thereof associated with any particular body part or position - and for what? A few pictures. Did I mention modeling's hard?

I also need to contact an ADD study sometime today, and I need to answer a five-day-old email from a prospective dance client. He's probably assumed I'm not interested and hired someone else by now. I don't know why the emails that should be the most exciting to open are the hardest and scariest to open. I need to make at least $113 by tomorrow night, a collection agency called me yesterday, and this email's just sitting there in my inbox, and what if the event he needed me for has already passed, I wouldn't even know it. The best explanation is that my depression is a jealous lover who wants me to spend all my time with him, so he does everything he can to keep me away from opportunities for happiness or success. The things I least feel like doing at any given moment are precisely the things that I know would make me happy if I did them.

Anyways, hopefully "The Hustle Diaries" won't go the way of the "Commitment" series. I've been dealing with wicked hypersomnia lately and have fallen off the hustle wagon, so I need some accountability to get back on, and be productive with my days once more. Yesterday all I did was lie in bed, drink, and play flash games. That is literally ALL I did. I was supposed to lead a write-in and I didn't go. I missed my own write-in, an event that would have made me feel great because I would have written and socialized and gone outside, in favor of staying in bed and being a blob. Hopefully just opening my Blogger dashboard and wanting to have something to report will lead me to get things done.

I'm on the train to work now - more modeling - but I hope to update tonight on how many more job applications I fill out on the train ride home, and how I come up with that $113.